Today is Sunday August 19, 2018, the last day of my sabbatical. Lately, people have been asking me "How's your sabbatical going?" I think I must give them this blank look, because up until today, my answer hasn't been "Awesome!" Instead, I've smiled and said it's been going well, yes Europe was a great experience, yes we've been having fun. But in the back of my mind, and occasionally out loud, I've thought about how uncomfortable I have been without a schedule or set routine. It's been so weird! Now, on the last Sunday of my 5 weeks away from work, I can finally say that it has been awesome!
I do not think I was ever at peace with the fact that I had no set routine. Even during the first 2 1/2 weeks when I was away in Europe and San Diego, everything was day-by-day, no planned schedule except our airline or train times. With three or four of us needing to agree on where we would go, what we would do, where we would eat, whether to walk or take a taxi or Uber, everything was a negotiation. Don't get me wrong, I loved visiting London, Madrid and also San Diego, but the lack of a committed schedule was hard for me. In London, I got sick and disrupted our plans for 48 hours, causing my husband to fly over and join us four days earlier than planned. We missed the Muggle Walking Tour we had scheduled (one of two scheduled activities!) and a day of exploring the city. It kind of put a damper on London. The highlight of the trip our scheduled tour of the Warner Brothers studios where Harry Potter was filmed. I still wasn't 100% that day, and it was still very hot, but we made it through that visit and I could tell the kids loved it. It's something we will all remember well.
Madrid was more structured since the whole point of the trip was for my son to attend the European Cubing Championships, a four-day event where 600 kids and young adults from across Europe (and about 10 from the U.S.) competed to solve twisty puzzles as quickly as possible. I was either inside all day with my son, or out and about in Madrid with my daughter, alternating over four days with my husband. While the speed cubing event had a very set schedule, it was Jack's schedule, not mine. I chatted with other parents, drank lots of espresso, or took a walk outside in the summer heat, making sure I was back in time to watch Jack compete. The event was fascinating and I loved watching Jack.
In San Diego, it was again my daughter who had a defined schedule, not me, as she attended Dancer Palooza, a huge dance convention with hundreds of kids from across the U.S. I planned my days around her scheduled workshops - breakfast and walking her to the convention center, planning for lunch and bringing it to her at the appointed time, picking her up when the schedule dictated. I had a couple of hours free every morning and afternoon and used it to explore downtown San Diego on foot, or wander around by the hotel marina. I found myself wasting a lot of time on Instagram and Facebook. Why couldn't I get into any sort of routine? After a day or so of this, I coordinated with a mom friend and took a day away for myself. I took an Uber up to La Jolla and spent the day at the beach. I met another woman out sketching and sat down on the bench next to her to paint three gouaches en Plein Air. I had lunch at Duke's of La Jolla and enjoyed the view across the way to UCSD, and my dormitory at Muir College where I'd spent four years in college. I checked out the shops along Prospect Avenue and poked my head into a few art galleries and a bookstore. This was one of my best days so far! What was different? I still had no schedule, but I also had no accountability to anyone else. This was the first day of my 2 1/2 week vacation when I was on my own without being on-call to anyone. If my daughter needed something, my friend Geri would be there for her. I was 45 minutes away in La Jolla. As the time approached when I needed to return, I grew restless and switched my brain back to mom-mode.
It took me the entire last 3 weeks of my sabbatical for the light bulb to go off. I realized this weekend that I struggle with having no set schedule when I am also accountable to others. A "free" morning at home with my kids means that I am "on call" for them, so I often hesitate to dive into my own work; an open day away on vacation means negotiation and likely compromise about how we'll spend our time. Only when I have free and unscheduled time and am also not accountable to anyone but myself do I find that I can truly focus and create. I can relax, but I cannot create, if I feel accountable to someone else. I am not fully free to let go. I think this is one reason that I am drawn to painting en Plein Air. I am with my gear and I am out of the house, away on site on my own, where no one can call to me to bring them a snack or ask to make a Target run or find them the masking tape. Until a friend recently pointed it out, I didn't realize how intensely I focus when I am creating. I get in the flow and it seems so easy to me. I can paint for a focused 1-2 hours without stopping and get in the zone. But if I am interrupted by a request, a text, a call - I am completely distracted and lose the flow. And if there is the potential for interruption, it seems to sit in the background of my mind, sometimes causing me not to begin at all! It has taken me weeks to figure this out!
I've been totally bothered by my lack of productivity while on sabbatical. Sure, I've painted some, done some projects, gotten the kids their school supplies, taken care of doctor appointments, gone to the pool, and stuff like that. But I hadn't done nearly the amount of creative work that I'd wanted. Regular posts to Instagram and Facebook were not cutting it for me. I began reading about procrastination. I also began thinking a lot about living "in the moment" and even found a blog post about how to take a sabbatical, which involved taking months to a year off and not doing anything for about the first four months, at which time enough relaxation and percolation would have occurred that you might start to be able to discover what your purpose and true calling really was. Ha! I didn't have four months, much less a year. I had two more weeks! I read about "finding my why" and creativity. The psychologist in me really came out as I went into internet browsing and library bookshelf surfing mode, searching for answers to my lack of productivity and struggle without a schedule.
Throughout my reading and thinking, what I learned on my sabbatical is that it's OK to not have a schedule and to feel incredibly uncomfortable with that. It's okay to sit and be with the discomfort long enough to let things that have been percolating rise to the surface. And that discomfort may eventually push you to be creative in new ways. We say that you should not wait for inspiration or for the muse to strike, you need to schedule your art and your commitments and just start. I agree, as long as you have the space that is uninterrupted in which to create. Perhaps a sabbatical during the summer with family travel and family commitments is not the best time to plan to be productive, but instead is the best time to sit with some discomfort about having no set schedule, days with commitments mostly not your own, and instead stealing chunks of time to look, read, learn, listen and participate as fully as possible with my kids and family, enjoying the short, focused times that are allowed to surface and happen, like this morning blog post :) There will be days and months and years in the future when I do not have school-aged kids at home to drive to dance, take to the race track, oversee playdates or drive to birthday parties.
This is my fourth 5-week sabbatical. Every one has been entirely different, as I've been in a different stage or season in my life. I'm glad that at the end of this one, I feel some sense of closure with my lack of productivity and with how creative I have or haven't been this summer. And now, bring on fall.
Sometimes I work in my art studio...
My set up on the deck in Sunriver, painting a 9x12 oil on panel that I'm calling "Growth"
